Tag Archives: writing

Ghost Fragment: Bentley

I stumbled across this piece of fan fiction I wrote, an origin story of sorts for my character in Destiny (the video game). I think I had ideas to try & turn it into some kind of audio performance at one point. However at this point it has sat untouched & unread for over a year now, so I figured I would go ahead and post it as it is. Hope you enjoy:

Ghost fragment Bentley:

Guardian

The guardian Bentley

I had no memories when my ghost first revived me, just outside the Cosmodrome in old Russia. It was strange, a frightening and very confusing time. How was it possible that I was alive? At first, I didn’t even know my name, my name! How can you be a guardian if you do not even know your name?
I suppose, on the surface a name is simply a word, a label, yet to me, a guardian’s identity is written in his name, his legend, his legacy, will always be tied to his name.

My ghost suggested I take a name of my choosing, any name, one that I liked. Initially this seemed like a good idea, after all, this new life was a new beginning, why not take a new name. That is what all the guardians were told to do. You were not expected, maybe not supposed to have memories of your first life.

It was not long however, shortly after our first encounter with a hive wizard, that the dreams started. I thought them at first to be nightmares, side effects of these blood stained encounters, broken, scattered images, flashes. Initially at least, it made no sense, as these were not things I had seen, maybe it was just an active imagination, a newly reborn imagination.

It became apparent to me though that there was more to them than that. The images, visions, they became clearer, more cohesive. It was no longer just when I slept, it was any time I chose to channel it. These were, memories, like a voice from the past calling out through the dark of death, shattered fragments of a forgotten corpse, they key to finding out my name.

Every day, every step of my new journey seemed to unveil more of the past. I will not go into details of my journey to and through the Black Garden here, which has been well chronicled in the tower along with the legends of you, my fellow guardians. What I intend to give you is some advice, maybe a warning, something that is paramount you keep in mind if you are to stay in the light.
I was a scholar, a student, a fledgling warlock. I was not ready for combat, but after the moon, Mare Imbrium, after what Crota did …. my father, he was a great warlock, of the Praxic order, he was there, he … he perished there … so I … I had no choice, I had to enter the fray. There were 3 of us, back then it was always 3, you were assigned to each other, you became family or you perished in futility. My brother and sister, a Titan and a Hunter, we all fell together. It was an ambush, maybe a set up, it was like they knew … knew that we were coming.

It was a simple, normal mission, fly in, recon, grab an item for research and get back out. It was routine, at least that’s what they told us, they were both on their first mission, me, oh I had done this before, at least, well… twice. My mentor had great faith in me, she said I was special, that if I were patient I could be someone in the tower one day, like my father, maybe even greater than he was, the vanguard would guide me. After the initial wave, after my father, she was sent to the moon too, she perished with the rest, and we were sent out. Sent too soon.

We were not even 400 meters from our jump ship when they attacked, we were surrounded, they had no interest in anything other than death. No questions, no words, simply death, we took a couple of them with us, but the Fallen had us surrounded, it was over as quickly as it started. We had no ghosts then, death was final, eternal, well almost.

This is not a happy story, a pretty tale for cool evenings. The memories they haunted me, tortured me as they continued to return and became more vivid. Once we were able to, I had my ghost return to the place of our falling, he located them too. Once I was assigned extra ghosts, I knew exactly who I would instruct them to find. It’s the memories you see, they are not just nightmares, they help you remember, help you to impact this new wave of guardians, this wave that will conquer the darkness, we will restore the Traveler. My brother, the Titan, he has been fine, I assume because he does not really think, maybe that’s an Awoken trait, although I suspect it is more a Titan thing, not to think. My sister, even though an exo, she is sensitive, it is much more difficult for her, she has to move slowly, it, well, that is her story ….

What was I talking about anyway, the point to this monologue? Oh yes, a name, your name, my name. I am so much more now than I was previously, you could get drunk on the power if you were to lose control. That’s it, control, you must have control, without control you are no guardian. Power can consume you, fool you into believing you are some kind of god, something bigger than yourself, it is then that you become the most vulnerable to the darkness, it is then, that you will be consumed. You must bathe in the light, cleanse yourself, especially if you are to visit the memories, to learn the secrets of true guardian mastery. Maybe that’s where Toland went wrong, or maybe he was a man out of his time, I don’t know & I’m digressing again.

You must discover your name guardian, whether it be from the past or your name today, if you are to become legend, you must have a name to tie to your legacy. It was after I saw the demise of the hive god Crota, that I remembered by name, finally, painfully. There were six of us, five of the greatest guardians you will ever see and me, somehow, me. No longer the murdered scholar, no longer the fledgling kinder-guardian, for I too have become legend. I have mastered death, it will not conquer me again, yet I am no god, here me, I know who I am, I am Bentley & the enemies of the light will beg me for mercy

Daydreams

A 150 word story, just trying to get the creative thought process going again & because why not 🙂

 

 

Margaret walks down the hill of the street she calls home. The cobblestones glisten with moisture from the morning drizzle, the sky overcast, it is cold, but not bitterly so. Three-story redbrick terraced houses line the street, with only a few window shrubs to break the monotony.

 

As she walks she wonders; is there something more? What if there is somewhere else on this planet for her? What if there is some grand adventure she should embark on? She ponders exotic places she has only read about in books, maybe there is a handsome prince waiting for her there. She walks along, slowly, drifting in her daydream.

 

Behind her, the unmistakable sound of horse and cart on the cobbles wake her up. It is the coalman making his weekly deliveries, young Jack, always smiling. Unfortunately, this means she is late and so her daydreams, & Jack must wait for later. 

Let the healing begin

Sometimes you have to write in order to find the lies
The things that you believed to be true
For when they fall on the paper 
They are so clearly false
That the letting go becomes easier 
And you can finally begin to move on
Let the healing begin

Sometimes we share, sometimes we don’t, but still, always we should write 

The Start – Again

Oh hey look, writing, yeah about that … I’m not going to sit here & talk about how I am going to get back on the blogging train, I might, but I can’t make promises right now. Somehow, someway I’ve found myself in a strange place.

When I started the blog it was in a time of change, a time of healing, of facing the past & shading those weights that I used to carry around everywhere. It was a good time, therapeutic, life changing, wonderful. I had this great desire to live consciously, not in the old auto-pilot mode that I was always on. Life to me seems better when living it as a writer, not a professional writer, but one that chooses to look at the world, put it in their now words to share it. There is something to be seen in everything, you just have to look.

I was going to begin this post on last Monday, on a work trip to Los Angeles, yet Monday morning as I was getting ready, I looked at my laptop & could not think of a reason to bring it so I left it at home for safety. That there is the reason my blog has slowly died a death, when I have the time, I just don’t think about it, when I don’t have the time, I still don’t think about it. This is not necessarily a bad hing, however this lack of conscious thought is exactly what I had tried (successfully for a while) to get away from.

So do I sit here and list my excuses? Who am I giving them to ? Who am I asking forgiveness from anyway? No, this is a post to hark back to the old days. One that just looks inside to see where it will go, not poetic, not for clicks, for self, for growth.

It has been an interesting year so far. On the face of it things have been pretty good. I received a long overdue promotion at work (yay) but didn’t get a pay rise (boo). My daughter refuses to stop growing up, both physically & mentally, it is wonderful to watch, but it is all going by so quickly. There have been times this year that I have been a really good husband to my wife & other times that I’ve just been a jerk. It’s almost like I’m human or something 😉 Still I want to be really good a lot more & a jerk a lot less.

I have seen 3 people that I cared about die from cancer this year, a work colleague, a childhood friend & an adult friend who was a close to a father in the USA as I have had.  I think I have dealt with the grief, but then again maybe I just ignored it & moved on like a “normal” guy (not good). I’ve coached my daughter’s soccer team through the wettest spring pretty much ever, it lasted forever due to the cancellations. The downside was not many kids came back this fall, my kid is now playing 1 year up & I had to adjust to being an assistant coach instead of head coach, not easy for several reasons that I won’t go in to. I have played the video game Destiny a lot, too much, it’s been fun, but it might be out of control. Much more has happened, its a lot, this year has been a lot.

Where am at though? Really at? What is going on inside? I guess other than the usual “I’m ok”, the truth is that I’m probably not. I don’t feel the depression returning, life is good, but I’m in an odd place. I’m tired a lot, snappy & grumpy too often. I don’t work out enough, I really don’t make enough time for God & due to business a lot of my relationships are basically on hold.

I see what I did there, where am I at? Let me give you a list of negative things to describe that something is wrong & maybe thats why I don’t write at the moment. There are adjustments I want to make, but I really am doing ok. I have mostly got over the more mentality that has plagued me for ages & am generally pretty content these days. I am really comfortable with just being me, I’m not overly driven professionally, I just do my job really well & try to help others do the same. I don’t want to be that guy who’s life is all about their work. I love my sports still, but in an entertainment, not life dominating kind of way. I say that but this fall it feels completely opposite, between my kid’s soccer, my soccer & other stuff, I don’t have the time (or the energy when I do have time) to do some of the other things that I love. My guitar playing is pretty bad right now, my singing is way off, I haven’t been able to lead worship since August.

Maybe that is the biggest thing, the pace of life, it is tolerable, survivable, but I don’t know if it is ultimately sustainable. I get that having a kid, especially one who is starting to do extra-curricular activities is time consuming. Yet there is a part of me, maybe the very essence of me that needs attention, unfortunately it is the first part that gets brushed aside to make time for what needs to be done. It is the creative side, the part of me that if I’m in a bad mood, or pointlessly bickered with my wife, is instantly soothed by playing guitar. It is the part of me that finds out what is going on by writing about it, because to this day if you ask me I have no idea what is going on inside.

It’s a soul thing, maybe I could make this a spiritual thing too, yes I’m not doing as well as I “should” be with things like prayer & reading the bible. I have got to a strange place with religion again, my belief remains unshaken, but cynicism has crept in, the business of Christianity troubles me. The faith, the truth, the delivering grace of Christ makes my soul smile, but the pretty people making pretty music & writing self help books for a machine of an industry it just troubles me sometimes.

I want my relationship with God to be better than it is right now. I was going to say I want it to be how it was a year or so ago, but maybe that is the problem. He is the God of the new, maybe I am struggling to draw close to Him because I am looking for what was, not what is to come, maybe I just don’t make the time & well, maybe I just don’t know …..

That’s the thing, all these things that I tell myself I should do, that I need to do, it becomes overwhelming, it is so much, can’t I just live life? Do I have to be looking to do something, growth or change of impact or whatever I tell myself it looks like I should be doing? Maybe that’s been part of the draw back to video games, just zoning out on the couch for a couple of hours BSing with friends, it’s bliss. I just… I just don’t know right now.

You see, I don’t really know what I want to be doing with life right now, goals etc, I don’t have any, just be happy. Yet just making it, that’s not going to be good enough long term, I know myself better than that. Maybe I’m just tired, maybe I need more sleep, maybe I need some true rest. I go on vacation soon, for a couple of weeks. I hope to journal it on here, when I did that before it added a lot to my trip, I think it could really help right now.

I’m not going to make any big plans or bold decorations until the dust has settled on that, it’s probably going to end up looking like new years resolutions, but it won’t be, I just know that I want to take better care of me in 2016 so that I can be better for those connected to me. Not that I’m not good now, I just know I can be better & when you are your best around people, you tend to get their best & life in general is just a little more groovy.

Rambling ramble over, not idea what I said or if it was worth saying, no idea when I will write again next, but maybe, just maybe, this is the start of taking care of my creative side again, the start of feeling alive again.

I Write

I write what I don’t know how to say,
I play what I don’t know how to feel,
I frustrate, because my expressions are different.

I don’t communicate so well and at times, I wish I could,
If I could tell you how I feel, I would,
But half the time even I don’t really know.

All I can say is;
I am what I am, and that is ok

Write Again

What happened to writing? I asked myself this question the other day, sadly the answer is I’m not sure. Somehow over the last few months or longer it has taken more and more of a back seat to other things. That in itself is not really a problem I guess, I mean yes I do have a blog that needs content, but my blog is at the end of the day just one of my hobbies. I do enjoy sharing random thoughts and creations with my wonderful readers, but there is no one pressuring me to write.

That pressure I suppose, if necessary, should come from me. Why pressure myself to write you may ask, if you don’t want to, don’t do it. There are a few good reasons to write, reasons that if I am honest mean I need to make this a priority again, instead of an if the moment takes me thing. I don’t know about you, but I feel better when I write, no matter what I am writing. My brain tends to work better and I tend to stay in better places emotionally, not that I’m in a bad place at all, regardless, it is good mental exercise for the both the brain and the spirit.

I could go through the list of excuses I can make for why I have all but stopped writing. From the genuine I’ve been kind of busy, you know living life? Working, being a family man, coaching kids soccer, playing music, playing even more video games 😉 But the honest truth is I have simply allowed writing to slip from the forefront of my free time priorities. A year ago I would consolidate errands into a once a week crazy lunchtime to allow for 2 or 3 days of writing. I would make, not find, make time on a weekend or an evening to write, not all the time, but enough to be able to write something more than a short poem or something.

Of course, there is the age old nonsense, my blogging friends know exactly what I’m talking about. I have nothing left to say, I am just repeating myself, nothing is as good as it once was, etc, etc. This is most likely not true, but even if I am repeating myself, it is still a good thing to write.

When I first started writing this blog, it was a completely random collection of different areas and things that I would write on. Over time it merged into a lot of poetry and a lot of Christian stuff even though that was not the original intention. Of course, the lure of a short poem is easy to see, they are quick and easy to write, a short read tends to get more “likes”, which whether we admit it or not, feels good. I think that may be where I have fallen down though, without realizing falling into the “trap” of wanting my writing to be liked; which of course I do, we all do, but that should not be the reason to write.

So here I am, sat in a coffee shop on my lunch break, I just finished a wonderful cappuccino and I am rambling like I did when I first started this blog, it’s as though I had just started writing again

 

 

Nb – then it took me half a week to get around to posting this – it could take some getting back into the swing of things!