Tag Archives: memory

13 Years

13 years to mourn

Yet the grief is still as real

13 years to heal

Yet the wounds remain fresh

13 years to feel

Yet we see compassion turn to contempt

 

They say Never Forget

Tell me? How could We?

Always Remember?

Yet some memories continue to fail

 

Take a step back today

Pause from your agenda

Your propaganda

Remember what is truly important

Not politics or bickering

Certainly not hate

 

13 years to the day

Remember love

Remember sympathy

Allow yourself to feel

 

13 years to the day, remember to pray for those irreparably broken

 

 

Images sourced on google, I hold no copyright.

To Dance

As you slowly forget

The things that were troubling you

You lose the concept of how deep is desperate need

Instead your soul

Gets caught in burning desire

 

Ahoy my hearties, follow me

Waves of ecstasy rip through

As you lose yourself to the rhythm of the moment

Cares cast aside

Sweat drips as energy is burned like fire

 

In this moment there is nothing but freedom

Nothing but senses

Nothing but complete abandon

To something bigger & better than a few hours before

In this moment you dance and dance only the dance of the free

 

 

Almost suicide

Do you know what it is like

To hold a knife to your stomach

To want with every fiber of your being to push it through

To see the blood & intestines run out

To find out in that moment if anybody really cares

Then to hate yourself even more because you couldn’t do it?

I do

 

Do you know what it is like

To feel silent rejection

When those you seek acceptance from the most

Ignore you, too busy or too lazy

So lost in their own brokenness

To develop the relationship you need?

I do

 

Do you know what it is like

To fill yourself up with any available poison

In the name of a good time, but in truth trying to run from the pain

So much that your memory disappears

So much that your body goes into

Self preservation mode

Leaving you hanging out of the window emptying your guts

You swear you’ll never do it again – until the next time?

I do

 

Do you know what it is like

To have to resist the urge not to turn the wheel

To want to find out if you could survive the wreck

To think that, if this is all life has

Then can why can’t it just end now?

I do

 

Do you know what it is like

To have this swirling empty black hole

Of pain and despair

Of anger & hate

Of rejection & inadequacy

Filled completely

With love & acceptance

With healing & forgiveness

With hope & purpose

To have the slate wiped clean & to know, that you know, you are loved?

I do

 

 

The dagger

Your memory is like a dagger to my soul

Twisting reality and confusing memories

Like autumnal leaves falling to the ground

Composting into nothingness

 

Yet the nothingness nourishes

The empty death of history

Produces new life

What of this new twist on reality?

 

Experience used instead of abused

A newness to replace the nothingness

Although it may not feel as comfortable

From its growth it has no choice but to be better

 

Consciousness will not allow anything less

As the dagger is removed

Reality is untwisted

Spring begins & the sapling sprouts

 

 

An infatuation with intoxication

I will build a wall

I will build a wall to keep you out

You will not hurt me

No one will hurt me

Inside my wall I will hide

I will hide while no one hurts me

Instead I will hurt myself

I will lose myself

I will anesthetize

I will lose myself to an infatuation with intoxication

 

It is a dangerous game to play

The odds at stake, the potential loss

Especially in the darkness

All of a sudden, I’m under attack

The walls are coming down

What is that?

Daylight?

I think I remember you

What have I done?

Where have I been?

Oh dear, am I beyond repair?

 

A new start, a new beginning

A fresh perspective, still it’s not enough

I cannot be so vulnerable

I must have protection

Should I return & rebuild the walls?

Then You came and rescued me

You showed me that it didn’t have to be this way

You comforted me, you healed me

You showed me the way

Now I lose myself to a different intoxication

Now I live to get lost to

An infatuation with Holy Spirit intoxication

 

Much more difficult to explore

Just as dangerous but in a different way

So hard to maintain, so fleeting, yet so present

Always available, seemingly impossible to claim

Take me to those places of dancing angels

Fill my life with worth

Help me see the beautiful

Show me how to see things

the way they were made to be seen

Show me how to feel things

Without fear of the way they were made to be felt

 

 

Psalm 3 – 3:3

But you, Lord, are a shield that protects me; you are my glory and the one who restores me.

11 Years Ago Today

11 years ago today

A one way ticket was used

A K1 visa was cashed in

A last shot at happiness

or the first real leap of faith?

 

11 years ago today

A chasm was bridged

6+ months of agony were ended

How can you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone

Yet not get to be with them due to bureaucratic rules?

 

11 years ago today

A home was left, a life abandoned

For adventures anew

A love so powerful

Continents could not separate

 

11 years ago today

A Yorkshire man started to become a Texan

Was the beginning of a new life

Is when true happiness began

Was one of the best days of my life

 

And what has happened in 11 years?

A marriage, not perfect but wonderful

A shining light in the darkness of relational dysfunction

A man was discovered, grew, was born again & healed

A child was born, a gift from God

Dreams have come true because they were followed

11 years ago today

 

 

Today is the 11th anniversary of my emigration from the UK to the USA on March 20th 2002. One of the best things I have ever done in my life. This barely scratches the surface, but at least it scratches the surface. Live your lives for love my friends, there is nothing greater.

 

 

A weekend to remember

I tender to hold onto things, not like a horder, but little mementoes with the intention of them sparking a memory at a future date. I was cleaning out my office last week & I found this

matches

It is a book of matches from a restaurant in Malibu, Ca. This place:

Geoffreys

Why do I have some matches from a restaurant in Malibu? Well in February 2005 I had a really great weekend & I wanted to remember it. My wife was in Los Angeles on business all week so we decided that I would fly out there on Friday night & we would have a weekend in LA.

It was an awesome weekend, the kind of weekend I dreamed about when I was a kid, the kind of weekend I hoped for when I moved here from England. The kind of weekend everyone needs more of!

We stayed at a hotel in Bel Air & yes, I booked us in Bel Air entirely because of this

We rented a convertible Mustang

Stang BH

We had Jamba juice for breakfast in Beverly Hills on Rodeo Drive, We went to Hollywood simply so I could see the sign in the flesh.

The sign

Then we went to Malibu, because we could and we hung out on the beach & pier for a while

Malibu

Where we saw an alarming sign

No Swimming in the ocean

Then we found a place for lunch, Geoffrey’s of Malibu; Oceanside dining experience  The place was just flat out swanky, I felt like Eddie Murphy crashing the rich folks party in Beverly Hills Cop.It’s not often that I have Filet Mignon for lunch, but dang this was a good day to do it. The meal was wonderful, but the setting was way better, beyond spectacular, a simply beautiful view overlooking the pacific ocean.

Geoffs

After lunch we decided to try Venice Beach, I think we did that the wrong way around though, you should go to Venice beach & then Malibu not the other way around. We didn’t even get out of the car in Santa Monica, too many people & an alarming homeless population had me wanting to go back to Malibu, so we did, & I played on the mountain back roads in the ‘stang.

Stang

We had dinner at some restaurant in Marina Del Ray that night, I don’t; recall the name of the place but the swordfish was good.

Seafood and eat it

The next day we went back to Hollywood & walked on the stars,

Walk of fame

went in a couple of tourist trap museums & checked out the front of the Chinese theater.

Wax Cassidy

I even saw my 1st Circle K

Circle K

which as a fan of this

when I was growing up was pretty cool to me.

Then once we got through LAX’s poor attempt at a TSA section (this was 2005) we flew home. One great weekend, many special memories & a crazy amount of things checked of the “I wish I could do that one day” list I had when growing up in England.

Flight