Tag Archives: growth

Happy New Year 2016

Happy new year my friends, the year is now 2016 which seems a little crazy to me, we really are living in the future aren’t we? I hope you all had a wonderful 2015, yet I hope even more for a joyful 2016. My prayer is that it will be a year of peace, healing & blessing for all.

2015 was an interesting year for me personally, a year rather filled with extremes, I had some truly wonderful experiences such as traveling back to England with my family, making many new friends in my gaming world, seeing a new Star Wars movie that was actually good 😉 There were also some desperately difficult times, times of loss, times of grief.

I feel like at some point I subconsciously switched off, I went into survival mode, the place I escaped form years back, to where feeling is limited. On the outside it might seem like a good thing, but it is not, it is a dark and dangerous place. To be your best you must be fully willing to feel and address every experience, good or bad, you also must be able to find the silver lining. There is always one there, even in the worst times like losing a loved one, or being on a planet with people that would willingly kill innocent civilians enjoying their Friday night.

I don’t do New years resolutions, I really have never understood the point, January 1st is no different to May 17th, other than most people don’t have to work. The bold declaration in public of how you are going to do XYZ this year & be whatever you feel like you should be, it never made much sense to me. Yet this year, the timing is oddly right for change, right for growth. Publicly declaring something means little if no-one holds you accountable for it though. So I guess you now have my permission, to call me out this year if you see me failing in one of the areas I am about to share with you, although you really should be relevant to that area to do so.

Seeing as we are on the blog I’ll start with that, I want to get back into writing, not just occasionally, but frequently. I still have no aspirations to do anything with it other than pollute the internet with my ramblings. However my ramblings in whatever format they take are a good thing, heck some incredibly kind people with phenomenal taste actually read and like them. The real reason I want to get back into writing is basically that same thing that got me started in the first place. I want and need to get more in touch with the inner workings of my mind and my feelings. I also really want to try and flex those creative muscles, it is truly enjoyable for me to create art no matter what form it takes, poetry, music, blog articles. When I do these things, I am a better person, a better husband, a better father. When I am in touch with my true self, the create sensitive, real me, the world makes more sense to me, I see things differently, notice things that i would otherwise ignore. It is just better.

That’s of my plan (resolution) to take better care of myself mentally for the coming year. Other, more traditional “resolutions” for this year for me shall include taking better care of myself physically. I didn’t do too terribly bad with this in 2015, until the last 2 months, when I apparently decided that all bets were off & indulged in everything tasty I saw. Its starting to show on the scales now & in how I feel. No big deal, I will eat healthy, work out a bunch & maybe even actually get on my bicycle this year.

Lastly & this may be the most ambitious, yet hardest to measure. I am going to try and move a little slower this year, do more by doing less, take / make the time to be more attentive to the most important people in my life (my wife and child), make the time to do the things I truly love, like music. I am also going to try and balance things a little better, maybe a little less gaming & a little more reading. Make time to invest in relationships that have been neglected last year due to other responsibilities.

Yes, my goal for 2016 is pretty much just like every other cliched resolution you will probably hear this year. My goal is to be better, be a better version of my so that hopefully those around me will enjoy me more & as a result, maybe I will enjoy 2016 a little more than 2015.

 

 

PS: I’m not done with the vacation journal yet, I need to share my experiences in Paris with you all. I intend to get those written up in the next week so be watching out for them, it was a pretty incredible experience.

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The Start – Again

Oh hey look, writing, yeah about that … I’m not going to sit here & talk about how I am going to get back on the blogging train, I might, but I can’t make promises right now. Somehow, someway I’ve found myself in a strange place.

When I started the blog it was in a time of change, a time of healing, of facing the past & shading those weights that I used to carry around everywhere. It was a good time, therapeutic, life changing, wonderful. I had this great desire to live consciously, not in the old auto-pilot mode that I was always on. Life to me seems better when living it as a writer, not a professional writer, but one that chooses to look at the world, put it in their now words to share it. There is something to be seen in everything, you just have to look.

I was going to begin this post on last Monday, on a work trip to Los Angeles, yet Monday morning as I was getting ready, I looked at my laptop & could not think of a reason to bring it so I left it at home for safety. That there is the reason my blog has slowly died a death, when I have the time, I just don’t think about it, when I don’t have the time, I still don’t think about it. This is not necessarily a bad hing, however this lack of conscious thought is exactly what I had tried (successfully for a while) to get away from.

So do I sit here and list my excuses? Who am I giving them to ? Who am I asking forgiveness from anyway? No, this is a post to hark back to the old days. One that just looks inside to see where it will go, not poetic, not for clicks, for self, for growth.

It has been an interesting year so far. On the face of it things have been pretty good. I received a long overdue promotion at work (yay) but didn’t get a pay rise (boo). My daughter refuses to stop growing up, both physically & mentally, it is wonderful to watch, but it is all going by so quickly. There have been times this year that I have been a really good husband to my wife & other times that I’ve just been a jerk. It’s almost like I’m human or something 😉 Still I want to be really good a lot more & a jerk a lot less.

I have seen 3 people that I cared about die from cancer this year, a work colleague, a childhood friend & an adult friend who was a close to a father in the USA as I have had.  I think I have dealt with the grief, but then again maybe I just ignored it & moved on like a “normal” guy (not good). I’ve coached my daughter’s soccer team through the wettest spring pretty much ever, it lasted forever due to the cancellations. The downside was not many kids came back this fall, my kid is now playing 1 year up & I had to adjust to being an assistant coach instead of head coach, not easy for several reasons that I won’t go in to. I have played the video game Destiny a lot, too much, it’s been fun, but it might be out of control. Much more has happened, its a lot, this year has been a lot.

Where am at though? Really at? What is going on inside? I guess other than the usual “I’m ok”, the truth is that I’m probably not. I don’t feel the depression returning, life is good, but I’m in an odd place. I’m tired a lot, snappy & grumpy too often. I don’t work out enough, I really don’t make enough time for God & due to business a lot of my relationships are basically on hold.

I see what I did there, where am I at? Let me give you a list of negative things to describe that something is wrong & maybe thats why I don’t write at the moment. There are adjustments I want to make, but I really am doing ok. I have mostly got over the more mentality that has plagued me for ages & am generally pretty content these days. I am really comfortable with just being me, I’m not overly driven professionally, I just do my job really well & try to help others do the same. I don’t want to be that guy who’s life is all about their work. I love my sports still, but in an entertainment, not life dominating kind of way. I say that but this fall it feels completely opposite, between my kid’s soccer, my soccer & other stuff, I don’t have the time (or the energy when I do have time) to do some of the other things that I love. My guitar playing is pretty bad right now, my singing is way off, I haven’t been able to lead worship since August.

Maybe that is the biggest thing, the pace of life, it is tolerable, survivable, but I don’t know if it is ultimately sustainable. I get that having a kid, especially one who is starting to do extra-curricular activities is time consuming. Yet there is a part of me, maybe the very essence of me that needs attention, unfortunately it is the first part that gets brushed aside to make time for what needs to be done. It is the creative side, the part of me that if I’m in a bad mood, or pointlessly bickered with my wife, is instantly soothed by playing guitar. It is the part of me that finds out what is going on by writing about it, because to this day if you ask me I have no idea what is going on inside.

It’s a soul thing, maybe I could make this a spiritual thing too, yes I’m not doing as well as I “should” be with things like prayer & reading the bible. I have got to a strange place with religion again, my belief remains unshaken, but cynicism has crept in, the business of Christianity troubles me. The faith, the truth, the delivering grace of Christ makes my soul smile, but the pretty people making pretty music & writing self help books for a machine of an industry it just troubles me sometimes.

I want my relationship with God to be better than it is right now. I was going to say I want it to be how it was a year or so ago, but maybe that is the problem. He is the God of the new, maybe I am struggling to draw close to Him because I am looking for what was, not what is to come, maybe I just don’t make the time & well, maybe I just don’t know …..

That’s the thing, all these things that I tell myself I should do, that I need to do, it becomes overwhelming, it is so much, can’t I just live life? Do I have to be looking to do something, growth or change of impact or whatever I tell myself it looks like I should be doing? Maybe that’s been part of the draw back to video games, just zoning out on the couch for a couple of hours BSing with friends, it’s bliss. I just… I just don’t know right now.

You see, I don’t really know what I want to be doing with life right now, goals etc, I don’t have any, just be happy. Yet just making it, that’s not going to be good enough long term, I know myself better than that. Maybe I’m just tired, maybe I need more sleep, maybe I need some true rest. I go on vacation soon, for a couple of weeks. I hope to journal it on here, when I did that before it added a lot to my trip, I think it could really help right now.

I’m not going to make any big plans or bold decorations until the dust has settled on that, it’s probably going to end up looking like new years resolutions, but it won’t be, I just know that I want to take better care of me in 2016 so that I can be better for those connected to me. Not that I’m not good now, I just know I can be better & when you are your best around people, you tend to get their best & life in general is just a little more groovy.

Rambling ramble over, not idea what I said or if it was worth saying, no idea when I will write again next, but maybe, just maybe, this is the start of taking care of my creative side again, the start of feeling alive again.

Dancing on the Precipice

Dancing on the precipice

Focus lost, goals forgotten

In the midst of bliss

A mountain plateau has become a home

 

Time to resist? Refocus?

Is it necessary?

What about staying here?

Stagnation threatens to take hold

 

A look down the mountain reveals the slope, almost appealing

You could ski down, like dancing

However the slope never ends and

You just spent all this time and effort climbing it

 

By hook or by crook, or so they say

The journey must renew

No more dancing in place, it is time to climb

Oh, but the dance is so comfortable ……

 

2 Years!!!

The craziest thing happened yesterday I got a notification on the WordPress app that my blog IMG_1572has now been up for 2 years. 2 years! From a guy that thought he had nothing to say. It has been quite the ride, a lot has happened in the last 2 years, I have changed a lot & this, my little piece of the internet has been a big part of it. When I started writing here I was coming into a season of awakening. I had gone through a lot of healing in the years leading up to this season and it was now a time to learn what exactly it meant to be me. Through poetry, essays, music & rambling processing my thoughts, emotions & imagination has been wonderfully enjoyable & thraputic.

2 years on, I have healed even more, I’m an ever changing & evolving being. The thing that I most enjoy about today though is I am simply me. I no longer feel a need to try to fit in or pretend I am something other than who I am, I am me, faults & all. One of the challenges at the moment of living in this new place is simply getting used to it. I no longer feel the lingering, lurking threat of depression wanting to return. I no longer expect something to go wrong at any time, I no longer have this underlying anger waiting to surface. I am good, I am loving living life, I am content (in a good way), I am happy. The funny thing is that nothing much has changed externally, yet internally everything has changed, call it a miracle if you like, I am & will always be grateful to Jesus Christ for what He has done in me & where He has brought me to personally.

Unhiddenlight will continue, rest assured (I’m sure you were all worried & stuff) I would imagine it will be much more like year 2 than year 1 though. There will be seasons of much content when I am creatively inspired & lulls when I am not so inspired, or simply too busy.

One of the most enjoyable things I have been able to do in recent memory is coach my daughters soccer team in the fall. Unfortunately that took a lot of time & energy which resulted in a fall off here. Add to that I started playing soccer again in addition to my other extra-curricular activities & my writing has taken a back seat. I probably need to make a commitment to some kind of writing schedule. Not that writing here is mandatory, yet my life & my mind seem to work better when I am exercising my thoughts for something other than work & sports. So lets call that a note to self, plan to write!

Another good thing (to me at least) is that I recently rediscovered the joy of gaming. I have spent an inordinate amount of time playing  Destiny (as expected), I have reconnected with some long time gaming friends though it & made some fun new friends too. One of my favorite hobbies, my “me time” has become truly enjoyable again, it has gone from stale to completely fresh. Instead of something I was just doing to chat with a few friends it has been a nightly event of fun & laughter, the way it should be.

One of my hopes when I first started my blog was that I might start song writing again, that has happened, I penned several songs this last year, some good, some just good practice. Getting around to recording & sharing them is unfortunately once again going painfully slowly. The down / up side of it being a hobby is that I only do it when I am really in the mood. I’m often in the mood to make music, not so much to record it & deal with all the intricacies of making it work as well as possible.

So here we are, my first “real” post in a while, not that my poetry does not count, but you know what I mean, 2 years in, 348 posts, 414 WordPress followers – thank you so much for all your support & for your friendship! I truly appreciate every single one of you!!!

 

Light Of The World

Light of the world

Burn inside my soul

Kindle deeper love

Draw me closer still

 

May my consciousness

Be overloaded by Your presence

May the thought of You, direct all that I do

Let me be consumed by the fire of Your love

 

Holy Jesus, may your glorious name

Be reflected evermore in who I am

Take me, mold me, grow me

I am yours & You are the Light of the world

 

 

 

 

 

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Progress

They call it progress
They call it expansion
They call it growth

As the houses creep in
Warehouses spring up
And concrete cows are created

Habitats are destroyed
Natural homes displaced
Peace is replaced with chaos

Green turns to grey
Flowers are covered with dust
Beauty is covered by ignorance

The never ending quest for more
The rat race traps yet another victim
One more person gets richer as one more gets poorer