Tag Archives: depression

Fire Gone

The fire is gone

No longer what if?

But what could have been?

I would have been really good at that if I’d just got over not doing it !!

Maybe, if I could just find something to make this world make sense,

To feel alive,

Then maybe I could truly live

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Undiagnosed Depression

Undiagnosed depression

You have haunted me for so long

Why then, does the thought of exposing you trouble me so?

 

Why does my body need more sleep than it used to?

Tiredness wracks my body like never before

Weary in mind and soul, is there no cure?

 

Oh weekend, dear weekend

Won’t you become my week?

Peace, connection, bliss, you are so precious

 

Lord God, oh my Lord

How can I stay fully connected to you?

The challenges I face vanish when I am in you

 

Challenges that are still there, yet they fall away like rain on a window

How oh Lord, how?

Am I so broken that I cannot even remember such a seemingly simple task?

 

Though there are struggles and troubles in this life

I will not thirst

For I drink from the fountain of living water

 

Cavernous Valleys

Cavernous valleys

Rolling thunder

Deserted solace

Emptiness overflowing

 

How is it so easy to consistently forget

Yet so difficult to consistently remember

That I do not walk alone

There is hope in this hopelessness

 

There is a redemptive guide

Who seeks to heal me

Just as he seeks to use me to heal others

Oh father, where art thou

 

In the midst of such struggle

Why do I forget you are there?

Even though I know it is you that carries me over the hot coals

That is how I feel the heat, yet do not suffer its punishment and wrath

 

Oh glorious father

Author of love

Take me now into your redemptive glory

Fill me afresh with life and spirit

 

Make me feel alive a new once more, for your glory

Let me sing to all the world

Of your amazing grace

Of how great though art

For it is well with my soul

The Disguise

He walks through life wearing a brilliant disguise

He looks the part, the part they expect

Yet he has never felt comfortable in that role

He never conformed like he should have

The destructive wild streak

Feral instincts so difficult to subdue

 

Ashamed of the truth, he hides it

The disguise serves him well

Nobody believes what he is capable of

Nobody needs to know, at least that’s what he tells himself

Distance is kept, full access never granted

What shocks or regales others, he finds familiar comfort with

 

Assimilation, can the disguise become the reality

Can the part, the role, become the reality?

Would it be possible for satisfaction to be gained, without wanton self destruction?

Would calm seas actually be preferable to the raging torrent?

If the ways past could be abandoned, could peace be found?

Is the disguise even a disguise anymore, or is what was just deafening echoes of distant history

 

He asks, is it what is really wanted?

There is the fear of losing the fire

Right or wrong, the fire feels good, it feels part of him

As calm fades into rage, as hate drifts into love

Why is he so complicated, so defective?

He feels like a drifting soul with no place to call home

 

This of course is a lie, yet what is fully known in the head

Struggles to penetrate the soul

As he touches the bottom of the ocean, yet again

He begins to rise and wonders what it would be like,

How would it be to live outside the ups and downs

So help is sought, in the places of old and also places new

 

 

Or just turn off the faucet of the soul

Retreat into the depths of subconscious

Be like all the rest, at least how all the rest appear

Think less, feel less, be numb

He knows however, that this is not possible

The truth cannot be unlearned

 

Wallowing in indecision

Struggling with things he was convinced were finished

He turns, he runs, towards what he knows to be true above all

Received graciously into the loving arms of the Father

Once again he finds solace in the one who gave the truth

The future is a clouded mystery, but He will never be alone in it

Disclaimer

So I have found myself in something of a funk recently. To the point where looking at getting help for depression is a subject that has been discussed frequently. I don’t know what caused it, I don’t know why I’m here in this place, I do know God wants to get me out of it though. To talk or write about it the whole thing seems a little ridiculous, but it is very real. I had written several poems last week, some that I posted, the rest I was not going to press, after wondering if they were helping at all, or just making things look worse than they are, especially to those who care more about me than my art. I have decided that I will put them up there anyway, following this disclaimer post. I feel that if my down times can help even one person feel not alone & feel that there is hope then they are worth it. I know that god will never give me something I cannot handle, even if I don’t want to handle it.

The subject of a funk, or depression is an odd one, the human side of me thinks it would be good, if I do have some mental problem, to get diagnosed & see if there is treatment available, it would be nice not to have to deal with these recurring issues over & over. The spiritual side of me thinks that maybe it is not a mental thing, but possibly demonic oppression, maybe I have been under a heavy attack. I have certainly not been as focused on God as I was earlier in the year. Despite knowing that life is better that way, I keep finding myself drifting into sports or music or materialism, not in a healthy enjoyable way, but in an unhealthy almost drug addict like way. Most likely it is some kind of combination of both.

This morning my pastor made a great analogy about the Christian life, although I guess it works for all life. Your decision & baptism are like signing up for the gym, it is the starting point. It is only when you are regularly attending the gym, working out, pushing your limits that you start to see real progress. It is exactly the say in the Christian life. I have not been working out spiritually recently, I have been half in, not all in. I don’t even know how I got there because I was so all in just a short time ago, then somehow I have become derailed.

Well no longer, I am going to fight for my relationship with God, because the rest of my life on works when that part is working right. My marriage, my relationship with my daughter, my outlook on life, my outlook at work, none of that is ever right if I am not “all in”. So here I go, once again asking God to press the reset button. Hey, if I was perfect I wouldn’t be in this world anymore, He will get me right again, He will take me on from here into whatever His plan is for me.

The power of me vs the power of you

Some days it feels like

The power of me

Verses the power of you

Yet you are on my side

Always on my side

When I want to quit

When I feel too tired to carry on

You are the coach pushing me to keep going

When I feel that I can’t do it

When I tell you that I don’t have enough

You pick me up

You tell me that I am loved

That I am light

Even when I turn to my lifelong comfort

You use that to let me know that you care for me

I know that you don’t bring the suffering

But you do use it for sanctification

I pray for a break from suffering

I beg for a period of peace

I am at the end of my rope, hanging on

Yet I know, without a second of a doubt

That you are holding the rope

That I will be fine

Because you love me, I know because you told me so