Tag Archives: blogging

What is going on?

What is going on? It’s a question I should ask more of myself than I do. As it stands, it comes up only occasionally, fleetingly. Things have changed over the last year, not for the better. What things? The intangibles inside, the things that were “fixed” before, or so I thought. 2015 was an odd year, a year of conflicting extremes. Somehow, someway, through the course of it, I switched off. Looking back, I feel like this was a response to losing 3 people that I cared for to cancer, instead of grieving appropriately, I just switched off. I wonder if in a way I felt that my grief was undeserved, it sounds like something my subconscious would do, it was just a colleague, an old friend from England, a family friend, not someone really close like family, so why would I need to feel grief? That is unfortunately all too often how my mind works, yet I don’t realize it is working that way until much later.

My current state of not really feeling is similar to the way I used to be, before I got help, before I made progress & got healthy, before Jesus completely transformed me. It is completely different yet in a way it is just the same. I find myself today living life on auto pilot again, not thinking or feeling so much as I did only a year ago. Not caring like I did, only a year ago. Most troublingly, the desire, the drive, to be better, to create, to be all that I can be, it’s gone. Ok, maybe it’s not gone, but it is certainly not driving my life like it did for a few years. Most troubling I think, is that I feel so distant from God these days, so far away from my Jesus, yet I don’t do anything about it, I’m like a ship drifting on an ocean with no sail, no engine. Or at least I’m not hoisting the sail, not turning on the engine, it makes no sense, yet thats where I am.

There are 2 questions I need to asks myself with regards to this, firstly, am I ok with this & secondly, what is going on and what am I going to do about it?

the first question on paper is easy to answer, no I’m not ok with this. Yet, I kind of am, I live a comfortable life that is generally enjoyable. I get to be part of a family that is pretty great. I do a job that I am good at, I watch and play my sprouts, play my games, just you know, live life. To any “normal” person tat should be enough right? The thing is, I had a taste of something more, I want that more, I have always wanted that more. Yet the life of “more” requires effort, commitment and most unfortunately discipline, most likely sacrificial discipline – yuck.

If you want to get in good physical condition you have to eat well and exercise regularly, there is simply no other way to get there. That means you have to give up some time on your couch, not eat that burger, drink a few less beers a week, sacrifice the things that you want in the moment, to achieve the “greater” thing that you want. If you really want it, then you will do it, if you don’t you will eat burgers, drink beer & buy bigger pants. The beginning is always the most difficult, skipping that first weekend of eating out, not having that end of the week reward beer. Going to the gym when you’re tired, getting up early to go for that run. That whole thing sucks at the beginning but if you commit to it, after a while it is not so sacrificial, after maybe a month, you’ve made progress, you feel way better than you did & it all starts to make sense.

This is relevant to the current situation because not only have I switched off mentally, I gained 15 pounds in a couple of months at the end of last year, I am “trying” to lose it & get back in shape, yet somehow eating well 3 days a week and working out once a week has not yet magically turned me into the athlete I was a year ago.

Why write this? Why share this? I don’t know, this once helped, this once worked. Maybe I need to find something new, but for now this is what i have. Maybe if I can just sit down and write, not a I should write moment, but let whatever is in there come out, heck with the consequences, then maybe I can find some answers. Maybe those answers will help get me back on track. Maybe acknowledging that I have a hard time praying right now, or opening the bible, maybe I can find something through that, that maybe, just maybe, can help me get that back. You see, I really do want that, at the core of who I really am, I want to be close to God, I want to be a good husband, I want to be a good man. I want to be creating things, even if its just for me, but hopefully so that someone else can relate and feel maybe not so alone in this awfully depressing planet that the world of 2016 appears to be. I don’t know what I am say or where I am going. Hopefully this is the beginning, or at least something, because I need to feel alive again.

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Happy New Year 2016

Happy new year my friends, the year is now 2016 which seems a little crazy to me, we really are living in the future aren’t we? I hope you all had a wonderful 2015, yet I hope even more for a joyful 2016. My prayer is that it will be a year of peace, healing & blessing for all.

2015 was an interesting year for me personally, a year rather filled with extremes, I had some truly wonderful experiences such as traveling back to England with my family, making many new friends in my gaming world, seeing a new Star Wars movie that was actually good 😉 There were also some desperately difficult times, times of loss, times of grief.

I feel like at some point I subconsciously switched off, I went into survival mode, the place I escaped form years back, to where feeling is limited. On the outside it might seem like a good thing, but it is not, it is a dark and dangerous place. To be your best you must be fully willing to feel and address every experience, good or bad, you also must be able to find the silver lining. There is always one there, even in the worst times like losing a loved one, or being on a planet with people that would willingly kill innocent civilians enjoying their Friday night.

I don’t do New years resolutions, I really have never understood the point, January 1st is no different to May 17th, other than most people don’t have to work. The bold declaration in public of how you are going to do XYZ this year & be whatever you feel like you should be, it never made much sense to me. Yet this year, the timing is oddly right for change, right for growth. Publicly declaring something means little if no-one holds you accountable for it though. So I guess you now have my permission, to call me out this year if you see me failing in one of the areas I am about to share with you, although you really should be relevant to that area to do so.

Seeing as we are on the blog I’ll start with that, I want to get back into writing, not just occasionally, but frequently. I still have no aspirations to do anything with it other than pollute the internet with my ramblings. However my ramblings in whatever format they take are a good thing, heck some incredibly kind people with phenomenal taste actually read and like them. The real reason I want to get back into writing is basically that same thing that got me started in the first place. I want and need to get more in touch with the inner workings of my mind and my feelings. I also really want to try and flex those creative muscles, it is truly enjoyable for me to create art no matter what form it takes, poetry, music, blog articles. When I do these things, I am a better person, a better husband, a better father. When I am in touch with my true self, the create sensitive, real me, the world makes more sense to me, I see things differently, notice things that i would otherwise ignore. It is just better.

That’s of my plan (resolution) to take better care of myself mentally for the coming year. Other, more traditional “resolutions” for this year for me shall include taking better care of myself physically. I didn’t do too terribly bad with this in 2015, until the last 2 months, when I apparently decided that all bets were off & indulged in everything tasty I saw. Its starting to show on the scales now & in how I feel. No big deal, I will eat healthy, work out a bunch & maybe even actually get on my bicycle this year.

Lastly & this may be the most ambitious, yet hardest to measure. I am going to try and move a little slower this year, do more by doing less, take / make the time to be more attentive to the most important people in my life (my wife and child), make the time to do the things I truly love, like music. I am also going to try and balance things a little better, maybe a little less gaming & a little more reading. Make time to invest in relationships that have been neglected last year due to other responsibilities.

Yes, my goal for 2016 is pretty much just like every other cliched resolution you will probably hear this year. My goal is to be better, be a better version of my so that hopefully those around me will enjoy me more & as a result, maybe I will enjoy 2016 a little more than 2015.

 

 

PS: I’m not done with the vacation journal yet, I need to share my experiences in Paris with you all. I intend to get those written up in the next week so be watching out for them, it was a pretty incredible experience.

The Start – Again

Oh hey look, writing, yeah about that … I’m not going to sit here & talk about how I am going to get back on the blogging train, I might, but I can’t make promises right now. Somehow, someway I’ve found myself in a strange place.

When I started the blog it was in a time of change, a time of healing, of facing the past & shading those weights that I used to carry around everywhere. It was a good time, therapeutic, life changing, wonderful. I had this great desire to live consciously, not in the old auto-pilot mode that I was always on. Life to me seems better when living it as a writer, not a professional writer, but one that chooses to look at the world, put it in their now words to share it. There is something to be seen in everything, you just have to look.

I was going to begin this post on last Monday, on a work trip to Los Angeles, yet Monday morning as I was getting ready, I looked at my laptop & could not think of a reason to bring it so I left it at home for safety. That there is the reason my blog has slowly died a death, when I have the time, I just don’t think about it, when I don’t have the time, I still don’t think about it. This is not necessarily a bad hing, however this lack of conscious thought is exactly what I had tried (successfully for a while) to get away from.

So do I sit here and list my excuses? Who am I giving them to ? Who am I asking forgiveness from anyway? No, this is a post to hark back to the old days. One that just looks inside to see where it will go, not poetic, not for clicks, for self, for growth.

It has been an interesting year so far. On the face of it things have been pretty good. I received a long overdue promotion at work (yay) but didn’t get a pay rise (boo). My daughter refuses to stop growing up, both physically & mentally, it is wonderful to watch, but it is all going by so quickly. There have been times this year that I have been a really good husband to my wife & other times that I’ve just been a jerk. It’s almost like I’m human or something 😉 Still I want to be really good a lot more & a jerk a lot less.

I have seen 3 people that I cared about die from cancer this year, a work colleague, a childhood friend & an adult friend who was a close to a father in the USA as I have had.  I think I have dealt with the grief, but then again maybe I just ignored it & moved on like a “normal” guy (not good). I’ve coached my daughter’s soccer team through the wettest spring pretty much ever, it lasted forever due to the cancellations. The downside was not many kids came back this fall, my kid is now playing 1 year up & I had to adjust to being an assistant coach instead of head coach, not easy for several reasons that I won’t go in to. I have played the video game Destiny a lot, too much, it’s been fun, but it might be out of control. Much more has happened, its a lot, this year has been a lot.

Where am at though? Really at? What is going on inside? I guess other than the usual “I’m ok”, the truth is that I’m probably not. I don’t feel the depression returning, life is good, but I’m in an odd place. I’m tired a lot, snappy & grumpy too often. I don’t work out enough, I really don’t make enough time for God & due to business a lot of my relationships are basically on hold.

I see what I did there, where am I at? Let me give you a list of negative things to describe that something is wrong & maybe thats why I don’t write at the moment. There are adjustments I want to make, but I really am doing ok. I have mostly got over the more mentality that has plagued me for ages & am generally pretty content these days. I am really comfortable with just being me, I’m not overly driven professionally, I just do my job really well & try to help others do the same. I don’t want to be that guy who’s life is all about their work. I love my sports still, but in an entertainment, not life dominating kind of way. I say that but this fall it feels completely opposite, between my kid’s soccer, my soccer & other stuff, I don’t have the time (or the energy when I do have time) to do some of the other things that I love. My guitar playing is pretty bad right now, my singing is way off, I haven’t been able to lead worship since August.

Maybe that is the biggest thing, the pace of life, it is tolerable, survivable, but I don’t know if it is ultimately sustainable. I get that having a kid, especially one who is starting to do extra-curricular activities is time consuming. Yet there is a part of me, maybe the very essence of me that needs attention, unfortunately it is the first part that gets brushed aside to make time for what needs to be done. It is the creative side, the part of me that if I’m in a bad mood, or pointlessly bickered with my wife, is instantly soothed by playing guitar. It is the part of me that finds out what is going on by writing about it, because to this day if you ask me I have no idea what is going on inside.

It’s a soul thing, maybe I could make this a spiritual thing too, yes I’m not doing as well as I “should” be with things like prayer & reading the bible. I have got to a strange place with religion again, my belief remains unshaken, but cynicism has crept in, the business of Christianity troubles me. The faith, the truth, the delivering grace of Christ makes my soul smile, but the pretty people making pretty music & writing self help books for a machine of an industry it just troubles me sometimes.

I want my relationship with God to be better than it is right now. I was going to say I want it to be how it was a year or so ago, but maybe that is the problem. He is the God of the new, maybe I am struggling to draw close to Him because I am looking for what was, not what is to come, maybe I just don’t make the time & well, maybe I just don’t know …..

That’s the thing, all these things that I tell myself I should do, that I need to do, it becomes overwhelming, it is so much, can’t I just live life? Do I have to be looking to do something, growth or change of impact or whatever I tell myself it looks like I should be doing? Maybe that’s been part of the draw back to video games, just zoning out on the couch for a couple of hours BSing with friends, it’s bliss. I just… I just don’t know right now.

You see, I don’t really know what I want to be doing with life right now, goals etc, I don’t have any, just be happy. Yet just making it, that’s not going to be good enough long term, I know myself better than that. Maybe I’m just tired, maybe I need more sleep, maybe I need some true rest. I go on vacation soon, for a couple of weeks. I hope to journal it on here, when I did that before it added a lot to my trip, I think it could really help right now.

I’m not going to make any big plans or bold decorations until the dust has settled on that, it’s probably going to end up looking like new years resolutions, but it won’t be, I just know that I want to take better care of me in 2016 so that I can be better for those connected to me. Not that I’m not good now, I just know I can be better & when you are your best around people, you tend to get their best & life in general is just a little more groovy.

Rambling ramble over, not idea what I said or if it was worth saying, no idea when I will write again next, but maybe, just maybe, this is the start of taking care of my creative side again, the start of feeling alive again.

All Out of Words

I sit here thinking, I should write

 

yet

 

I have nothing

 

No ideas

No spark

No prompt

No inspiration

 

The well has run dry

For now

Tumbleweeds in my mind

Dust for creativity

 

So what?

Wait?

Maybe search?

 

Patience

Desire, inspiration, words and rhymes

They will all return

Soon enough

 

I do miss you though 🙂

I Write

I write what I don’t know how to say,
I play what I don’t know how to feel,
I frustrate, because my expressions are different.

I don’t communicate so well and at times, I wish I could,
If I could tell you how I feel, I would,
But half the time even I don’t really know.

All I can say is;
I am what I am, and that is ok

Even Me

Sometimes I wonder if deep inside I fear writing today?

Worried, in case it sparks the restlessness,

Bringing back the struggle to accept normal, or reality, or sanity

Or whatever it is that I’ve wrestled with, that seems now to be gone

 

 

In order to know the light, you must know darkness

As there is no darkness without light

If you don’t know the darkness, how will you know what is light?

However knowing the darkness does not mean accepting it

Nor does it mean living in it

 

Why do we look at others and admire their gifts longingly?

Yet question whether we have worth or talent ourselves?

We all have our light

We are all unique, special in our own way

Even you, even me 🙂

Write Again

What happened to writing? I asked myself this question the other day, sadly the answer is I’m not sure. Somehow over the last few months or longer it has taken more and more of a back seat to other things. That in itself is not really a problem I guess, I mean yes I do have a blog that needs content, but my blog is at the end of the day just one of my hobbies. I do enjoy sharing random thoughts and creations with my wonderful readers, but there is no one pressuring me to write.

That pressure I suppose, if necessary, should come from me. Why pressure myself to write you may ask, if you don’t want to, don’t do it. There are a few good reasons to write, reasons that if I am honest mean I need to make this a priority again, instead of an if the moment takes me thing. I don’t know about you, but I feel better when I write, no matter what I am writing. My brain tends to work better and I tend to stay in better places emotionally, not that I’m in a bad place at all, regardless, it is good mental exercise for the both the brain and the spirit.

I could go through the list of excuses I can make for why I have all but stopped writing. From the genuine I’ve been kind of busy, you know living life? Working, being a family man, coaching kids soccer, playing music, playing even more video games 😉 But the honest truth is I have simply allowed writing to slip from the forefront of my free time priorities. A year ago I would consolidate errands into a once a week crazy lunchtime to allow for 2 or 3 days of writing. I would make, not find, make time on a weekend or an evening to write, not all the time, but enough to be able to write something more than a short poem or something.

Of course, there is the age old nonsense, my blogging friends know exactly what I’m talking about. I have nothing left to say, I am just repeating myself, nothing is as good as it once was, etc, etc. This is most likely not true, but even if I am repeating myself, it is still a good thing to write.

When I first started writing this blog, it was a completely random collection of different areas and things that I would write on. Over time it merged into a lot of poetry and a lot of Christian stuff even though that was not the original intention. Of course, the lure of a short poem is easy to see, they are quick and easy to write, a short read tends to get more “likes”, which whether we admit it or not, feels good. I think that may be where I have fallen down though, without realizing falling into the “trap” of wanting my writing to be liked; which of course I do, we all do, but that should not be the reason to write.

So here I am, sat in a coffee shop on my lunch break, I just finished a wonderful cappuccino and I am rambling like I did when I first started this blog, it’s as though I had just started writing again

 

 

Nb – then it took me half a week to get around to posting this – it could take some getting back into the swing of things!