Disclaimer

So I have found myself in something of a funk recently. To the point where looking at getting help for depression is a subject that has been discussed frequently. I don’t know what caused it, I don’t know why I’m here in this place, I do know God wants to get me out of it though. To talk or write about it the whole thing seems a little ridiculous, but it is very real. I had written several poems last week, some that I posted, the rest I was not going to press, after wondering if they were helping at all, or just making things look worse than they are, especially to those who care more about me than my art. I have decided that I will put them up there anyway, following this disclaimer post. I feel that if my down times can help even one person feel not alone & feel that there is hope then they are worth it. I know that god will never give me something I cannot handle, even if I don’t want to handle it.

The subject of a funk, or depression is an odd one, the human side of me thinks it would be good, if I do have some mental problem, to get diagnosed & see if there is treatment available, it would be nice not to have to deal with these recurring issues over & over. The spiritual side of me thinks that maybe it is not a mental thing, but possibly demonic oppression, maybe I have been under a heavy attack. I have certainly not been as focused on God as I was earlier in the year. Despite knowing that life is better that way, I keep finding myself drifting into sports or music or materialism, not in a healthy enjoyable way, but in an unhealthy almost drug addict like way. Most likely it is some kind of combination of both.

This morning my pastor made a great analogy about the Christian life, although I guess it works for all life. Your decision & baptism are like signing up for the gym, it is the starting point. It is only when you are regularly attending the gym, working out, pushing your limits that you start to see real progress. It is exactly the say in the Christian life. I have not been working out spiritually recently, I have been half in, not all in. I don’t even know how I got there because I was so all in just a short time ago, then somehow I have become derailed.

Well no longer, I am going to fight for my relationship with God, because the rest of my life on works when that part is working right. My marriage, my relationship with my daughter, my outlook on life, my outlook at work, none of that is ever right if I am not “all in”. So here I go, once again asking God to press the reset button. Hey, if I was perfect I wouldn’t be in this world anymore, He will get me right again, He will take me on from here into whatever His plan is for me.

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5 thoughts on “Disclaimer

  1. Elaine

    Wow, Chris, you describe exactly my life over the past year or so, but as I have started to be “all in” with my relationship with God, as you describe it, I have been amazed at the changes in the levels of depression and loneliness. I wish you well Chris and I will be praying for you. I am glad you made the decision to share your poems–you are right that they may help someone else and seeing them in print on your blog may be helpful to you as well. There is something about writing out feelings that gives us a chance to sit back and read the words and get a whole different perspective from them.

    Reply
    1. Chris Ludbrook Post author

      Writing is very therapeutic for me, I have to remember sometimes that people read it though 🙂 Sometimes I am over the moment when the poem is finished, but the perception can be a greater misery than just a moment of frustration..

      Reply
      1. Elaine

        I think that is true of many of us, Chris–we are over the moment when we finish what we are writing. I find that to be true with things I have written in a private blog that I don’t post. When I look back however, it will give me a chance to ponder over what I was feeling and how it relates to what I feel now. I agree wholeheartedly with what Skye wrote in her response to you.

  2. Skye

    Chris, I am praying for you. The last few years of my life have kept me where you describe. Writing saved my life, I believe. It is a gift from God to us to save us and others. In showing our true selves, others feel not so alone. The folks that do not know the love of the Lord are led to Him. Never hide….go bodly forth in His strength, Dear Friend.

    I follow your work because I care about the person and family behind the words. You have been and will remain in my prayers, Chris. You bless my life with each writing and song. You are not alone.

    Reply

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