As you embark down the road of life, the direction you are sent down might not be the way you would have chosen to go. Sometimes you are a long way down that road before you really realize that it wasn’t the road for you. At that point you are faced with a choice, neither is wrong, it is just a choice.
You either accept the journey you are on and make the best of it, or you scale the mountains to get to the road on the other side. The road on the other side may well be much more fulfilling and life giving, but to get there requires huge sacrifice. If you have to call on others to join you in that sacrifice, you may find that it is a sacrifice that you are not comfortable making.
So where does that leave you? On the original journey, looking for chocolate chip cookie sized moments of ecstasy to carry you through the mundane trudgery that is the road you were sent down, but did not chose. This road is ok, but it does not satisfy or stimulate.
People will tell you to learn to be happy, to find satisfaction and contentment in what you have. They don’t understand, because even though their road looks just like your road, their road is the right road for them.
So you survive, verily you survive, you make the best of it, for certainly it could be unimaginably worse. Even if life is not as I would design it, I am blessed beyond measure, my present is secure & my future is certain, walking as a child of God.
And then sometimes you want to say f^#k it all, what the f#$k, is it even worth it? As yet another moron bombards you with a clusterf!#k of a moment that makes you question why humans even exist. Why do I have to wipe the a$$ of every moron I come across? Really? Why? I am so sick of this sh!#.
As you catch yourself, screaming & yelling like a mad man, because the dog wouldn’t listen or because the person on the road in front of you does not realize that you want to speed while they dither. You begin to wonder, what happened? How did you return to the very place you have already escaped from?
It comes back to the choice, annoyingly the choice is not a one-time thing, it’s not even a once a day thing, it’s an all the time thing. You make the choice on how you will view things, you make the choice of what to be conscious about.
The aftermath of the choice will be evident in your reactions to the little things. The stupid crap that presses your buttons, the stupid crap that drives you insane. Unfortunately, even if you make the choice to view things in a better way, to be calm and peaceful.
Unless you are naturally wired that way, there will be times, days, weeks, when you fail. Sometimes you will not want to react better, sometimes you will feel the need just to let it all out.
Is that ok? I don’t know, I don’t make the rules, I just know that I don’t want to be the screaming madman anymore, I don’t want to be dissatisfied with what is in sum total is really a great life, I just want to feel the things I should feel & not feel stuck in a whirlpool of ever vanishing time & energy. Feeling repressed, fearing being depressed, like a rudderless ship floating in the ocean.
Then after you have written hundreds of words expressing your frustration, you are reminded, once again that you are unavoidably not alone, even if you are silly enough to forget that regularly. Then the effort, what feels like godforsaken effort, which is in fact god given effort, starts to make sense again, somewhat. So like a wheel, you keep on turning, because you just never know what is around the corner & if you take the time to look up, the view here isn’t all that bad either.