Almost suicide

Do you know what it is like

To hold a knife to your stomach

To want with every fiber of your being to push it through

To see the blood & intestines run out

To find out in that moment if anybody really cares

Then to hate yourself even more because you couldn’t do it?

I do

 

Do you know what it is like

To feel silent rejection

When those you seek acceptance from the most

Ignore you, too busy or too lazy

So lost in their own brokenness

To develop the relationship you need?

I do

 

Do you know what it is like

To fill yourself up with any available poison

In the name of a good time, but in truth trying to run from the pain

So much that your memory disappears

So much that your body goes into

Self preservation mode

Leaving you hanging out of the window emptying your guts

You swear you’ll never do it again – until the next time?

I do

 

Do you know what it is like

To have to resist the urge not to turn the wheel

To want to find out if you could survive the wreck

To think that, if this is all life has

Then can why can’t it just end now?

I do

 

Do you know what it is like

To have this swirling empty black hole

Of pain and despair

Of anger & hate

Of rejection & inadequacy

Filled completely

With love & acceptance

With healing & forgiveness

With hope & purpose

To have the slate wiped clean & to know, that you know, you are loved?

I do

 

 

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